The Illicit Tuber Trade

I'm not sure exactly how to say this best to avoid retribution and underhanded attack by certain parties in our vicinity, but honesty and full disclosure of the facts is probably best. And the truth needs to be known.

We have an underground market in Jerusalem Artichokes (see photo on right) and Potatoes. Probably other roots, too, like Salsify and Parsnips, maybe garlic seasonally. But tubers are definitely the big targets. The crimes, which are mostly simple and petty, boil down to theft and stockpiling. Market manipulation? Maybe... But the truly insidious side is that the business goes on, unseen, even in daytime hours.

Who are the culprits? Oh, we can be almost positive on this count. Voles, they do their deed and depart. While sometimes incredibly destructive, like certain vegans, they flee the scene leaving evidence of their crime. Mice and voles, both, are bad. But it's in their nature. They can't do anything about that. Ravens, sparrows, and the like: well, they're just free-wheeling and don't understand the implications of their actions.

We're talking about gophers, here. Infrequently even seen above ground, let alone in daylight, these animals have been plotting all along. We thought they, too, were tunneling to our crops out of need, which we would have understood. But that wasn't enough. They have used their complex tunnel system to transport the above-mentioned tubers as far as 60 feet in the garden, stashing them in hideouts indiscoverable except by chance.

We thought it was gardener error when a bunch of Jerusalem Artichokes came up in the raspberry bed. And when Margo, while preparing a bed, unearthed a pile of potatoes, all 1 1/2-2" in diameter, we thought they came from the same bed, in which potatoes had been growing not two feet away. But those potatoes had been red. These were yellow. The closest planting of yellow potatoes had been two beds away, at least.
One and one-half to two inches in diameter. Big enough to matter, small enough for easy transport through a gopher hole. The implications finally started to sink in.
This Spring Margo unearthed a similar pile of Jerusalem Artichokes. There is only one bed in the whole garden in which we are growing Jerusalem Artichokes, and it was not that one.
And, finally, the day before yesterday I was surveying the scene of the bramble removal, which was carried out three weeks ago. The blackberries have started sprouting up from their mangled stumps, it's true. But something else was sprouting up, too. Outside the garden, where once was a solid bramble (the perfect cover), are now growing potatoes and Jerusalem Artichokes.